my aunt has a big house with a lovely garden and a pool and a fountain

there are windows everywhere and she spends most of her time in her office, which is also her library.
it is lovely to lay on the red carpet and look at the beautifully-carved wood ceiling and to catch the shelves which are filled with books with my peripherical (i hope that word exists/is correctly written) vision. they might not be completely and 100% filled by now, but one day they will.
because i know that she loves to read as much as i do, and she knows i love to read as much as she does. on friday and saturday nights, when i am being ignored by the people around me, i know i can go and sit on one of those red leather chairs(couches?) and read just any children's book. i know she does not mind and that she thanks me when i arrange her 500+ books first in categories and then alphabetically.


i am sorry, i have not been able to draw anything at all since january. it is funny, as soon as i learnt to paint, i lost my ability to draw. today i will try again, but i cannot promise much. i have many ideas, but i just can't let them go. i don't feel like an artist anymore. i don't feel like a person. i feel like a robot, like a soul-less body.
look at the bright side, i got the highest score in the math test. i am doing well in school, but bad in life. i feel very ugly, fat, and dumb. i have lost all of my dreams and goals, but i know they will be back.


hopefully, tonight will be a good night.


note: i really hate my username. i'm sure you know but it makes me puke. should i change it? would you rewatch me? i don't want to do another account because i'll have to re-watch all that people i love...